英语作文笑话

英语作文笑话篇一：英语短文笑话全集

英语短文笑话

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his

classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the

thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.

"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

距事故的距离

一个木匠为一个目击的事故做证词.法官问他与事故发生地方的距离有多远.

这个木匠回答道:"27英尺6.5英寸远."

"什么?你怎么对这个距离如此肯定?"这个法官问道.

"噢,我知道有些白痴会问我,所以我测量了一下."这个木匠回答道.

称重

An irritated woman burst into the baker's shop and said:"I sent my son in for 2 pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied:"Ma'am, I suggest you

weigh your son."

一个女人怒气冲冲的闯进面包店，说：“今早上我让我儿子买了2磅的饼干，但是当我称它们的时候却只有一磅了。我觉得你的称有问题”。面包师镇定的看了看女人，说：“女士，我觉

得您该回去称一称您的儿子”

Trouble you again

A robust-lookinggentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

再次麻烦你

一个看起来很健壮的绅士在一个很贵的餐厅吃完精致的早餐并且喝了一些拿破仑白兰

地。然后他叫来服务生领班，“你还记得吗？”他愉快的说道，“大概一年以前，我在这里像这样就餐，然后因为我付不起帐，你把我想乞丐一样扔进排水沟里”

“非常抱歉先生”后悔的服务生领班说道。

“噢，那非常不错”这个客人道，“但是 我恐怕还得再麻烦你一次。”

词汇：1、gutter n.排水沟，臭水沟；2、bum n. 二流子，乞丐；3、headwaiter n.领班

丈夫和妻子

Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 妻子：你给男人说点事，他左耳朵进，右耳朵出。(转身就给忘了)

丈夫：你给女人说点事，她两个耳朵都听进去了，可是从嘴里出来了。

你吹牛吧！

The little John taught his parrot to speak "follow me to say that I can walk."

"I can walk." said the parrot following.

"I can speak."

"I can speak." The parrot simulatedas almost the same as he did.

"I can fly."

"You talk big." The parrot said without thinking for a while.

You talk big

小约翰教他的鹦鹉说话“跟我说，我会走路."

"我会走路”鹦鹉跟着说。

“我会说话。”

“我会说话。”鹦鹉模仿的和他说的几乎一模一样。

“我会飞。”

“你吹牛吧。”鹦鹉不假思索地说。

相关词汇解析：1.parrot n.鹦鹉；2.simulate vt.模仿

Five years experience and imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."

"Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

5年经验和丰富想像力

只上了几周班的年轻人被叫到了人事主管的办公室。

“这是什么意思？”主管问到“你应聘这从份工作的时候，你告诉我们，你有五年的经验。现在

我们确发现，这是你的第一份工作。”

“是的”。年轻人说，“你在应聘广告中说到，你想要的是一个有想像力的员工呀！”Proposal

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

求婚

一位非常富有的男人在他65岁的爱上了一位20岁的年轻女孩，他打算向她求婚。

“你认为如果我告诉她我现在45岁她会答应嫁给我吗？”他问他的一个朋友。

他的朋友回答：“如果你告诉她你现在90岁的话，你成功的机率会更大。”

相关词汇解析：1.proposal n.求婚；（还有建议，提案等，之前有学过了，大家还记得吗？）

2.enormously adj.巨大的，庞大的；

３.contemplate vt. 预期，计划

We Left Nothing

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the

milkman on the door:

NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING.

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house

ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!

We Left Nothing

布朗太太这天出门，走之前在门上订了个便条给送奶工：

屋里没人，什么都不用留。

晚上当她回家的时候，她发现她的门已经被砸开，屋子被洗劫一空。

在她留的便条上，她发现被加一行留言：

谢谢！我们什么都没留下！

迟了四十年

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the

doorbell. He staggeredoff the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous

young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years

too late."

迟了四十年

一老头睡得正香，突然被门铃声惊醒了，于是他缓缓地从沙发走向门口。开门一看，是一个

年轻美丽的女人。

“天哪，我找错地方了”，少妇惊呼。

“宝贝，你没走错，你只是迟了四十年。”老人说道。

相关词汇解析

1. stagger vi.摇摇晃晃,蹒跚而行

2.gorgeous adj.华丽的，秀色可餐的，极好的

3.exclaim vi 惊叫，呼喊

英语笑话短文

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

猪还是女巫

一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。

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Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

答问技巧

衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时，牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。”

当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：“当然不会。毕竟，我可能会是错的。”

英语作文笑话篇二：英语幽默小短文

英语幽默小短文

The Old Cat

An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. (转 载于:wWw.zhAoQT.neT 蒲公 英文摘:英语作文笑话)One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it. Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."

英语作文笑话篇三：英语写作的笑话之六

61/ Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!! 62/ Problem with Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!

Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

63/ Poisonous Snakes

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither. The son asks, "Dad, are we poisonous snakes?" The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?" "Because , dad, I bit my tongue!!"

64/ Speeding

Traveling salesmen make their living visiting as many customers as possible. So speeding to get from one appointment to the next is not unheard-of. Which is how I got pulled over by a highway patrolman. "Don't you ever look at the speedometer?" the officer scolded. Before I knew it, the truth spilled from my mouth. "As fast as I was going," I admitted, "I was afraid to take my eyes off the road."

65/ How Could Anyone Stoop So Low?

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted

out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

66/ Shave Head

Recently, a man walked into my barbershop asking how much for a haircut. "Eight dollars," I answered. "And for a shave?" "Five dollars." "All right," he said, settling into the barber chair. "Shave my head."

67/ An Absent-minded Professor

No doubt about it, my fellow monk, Father Martin, was a bit of an absent-minded professor. He often filled in for sick priests at other parishes, and one Saturday he found himself on a train to a new destination, frantically searching his pockets for his ticket. "Forget about it, Father," said the conductor, recognizing him as a regular. "I'm sure you paid for a ticket." "I can't forget about the ticket," Father Martin replied nervously. "I need to know where I'm going."

68/ Six or Twelve?

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she?d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she?d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. “Oh, goodness, six please,” said the blonde. “I don?t think I could ever eat twelve.” 69/ When a Tiger Comes

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a

tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

70/ I’m Sure it is Fresh

A new restaurant opened in our town, so my husband, Walter, and I decided to try it. As the waitress took our order, Walter asked if the coffee was fresh. "I'm sure it is," answered the waitress. "We've only been open two weeks."

71/ Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid

of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

72/ Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died. “Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

73/ I Hung Him Up to Dry

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in

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